The Deepest Cut Was My Own
I am still cleaning up the mess of it all.
Betrayal cuts like a freshly sharpened knife and is one of the most painful things a human can endure. Shame comes close, but betrayal, well, that’s in its own league of pain and suffering.
To me, betrayal is not only an act, but also a feeling. One or more humans perpetrate the betrayal (the act), and then one or more humans feel the effects of the action (the feeling).
And when you are one of the humans on the receiving end, as I have been too many times, the act itself is less concerning than the feelings it leaves behind. Pain that cannot seem to find its bottom gives way to uncertainty about your entire being and your place in this world.
It just hurts.
So very deeply.
In every part of my body and mind.
After some time, the pain from the intense sting of betrayal begins to lessen, and in its place, doubt quickly moves in. It takes many forms:
What did I do to deserve this?
I should have seen this coming!
I will never let this happen again!
I hate people!
I see grief in those statements, but betrayal isn’t just about grief; it’s also about safety. I am both grieving the act, feeling the intense emotions, and bargaining my way to safety. The “logic” seems plausible:
If I change my behavior, I will be safe.
If I am more vigilant, I’ll see danger coming.
If I close myself off, I will be protected.
If I consider all humans bad, I will be shielded.
But when high levels of emotion are involved, nothing ever goes as planned.
A year ago, I wrote about a major betrayal in my business, and here I am, still bitterly hurt by the actions of one individual. Whenever I am reminded of the person or the act, I slide back into the pain.
And I hate, with all my being, that this has a hold on me, controls me, even, and that I am again writing about it in an attempt to understand it and, hopefully, expel it from my mind.
I’ve been told that I think deeply, and I don’t see that as a flaw. I’m proud of my ability to think and understand. And because of that, my first instinct is to try to figure out the “why” of the perpetrator’s action. I just don’t understand betrayal and some people’s ability to engage in it and then go about their day. The emotional carnage they leave in their wake is, unbeknownst to them, theirs. But maybe they should know what they did?
Well, my thinly veiled attempt to do that with last year’s writing may have shed a bit of light for them, but in the end, I realized that’s not the point. It’s not my job to convince them that they did something wrong, or make them regret what they did and swear to never do it again. Although I wish I could make that happen, I don’t have that power.
What I can do is heal myself. And to do that, I have to understand why betrayal hurts me so deeply.
As I trace back through my life from last year’s betrayal, I see many other betrayals. I don’t recall ever inquiring about betrayals in my life, so this is very new and enlightening for me.
The path wasn’t linear, and after traveling back in my mind as far as I could remember, I discovered betrayal started for me at birth and continued from there.
Being given up for adoption at birth
The Witch’s (the woman who raised me) hatred of me
Being cheated on by my boyfriend (who I loved immensely) when I was 19
My biological mom (after I found her) refused to apologize for giving me up for adoption
The ex-office-mate who left me high and dry when she closed her business
My ex, who tried to control me and make me think I was the damaged one
The business partner who was instrumental in the closure of our gluten-free business
These are people who have betrayed me, but I have also betrayed myself my entire life.
Hiding my true self to “fit in”
Being exceptionally self-critical of myself
Distrusting myself at every turn for much of my life
Making choices based on a lack of self-worth
Going above and beyond for people because I cannot set good boundaries
The list is probably longer, but it’s long enough to see the pattern of betrayal in my life. And add to that, my multiple birth defects (my body betrayed me, too), and it’s fairly clear to see why betrayal cuts me to the core.
I don’t know how to disseminate the feeling of betrayal, and maybe I never will. I think I can live with that, but I know I “feel” each and every betrayal in my list despite some of them occurring nearly 60 years ago.
And now, as I write this, I feel shame for feeling betrayed. It’s as if I want to blame myself for the betrayal, as if I caused it. But maybe betrayal is just part of being human. Or maybe, I simply won the betrayal lottery?
Whatever the reason, I am left with two paths: keep reliving the pain of the betrayals, or find a way to diminish their power, and eventually, move beyond them.
This week, I purchased a book about shame and look forward to reading it, and hopefully, gaining some wisdom to help me heal and experience less shame in my life. Maybe I need to look for a book about betrayal as well. However, I did a quick Amazon search and most, if not all, of the books on betrayal are centered on the topic of infidelity. I will keep searching.
I have never investigated betrayal in my life, and now that I have, I realize I have internalized it and used it on myself, which is very messed up. But, completely understandable given my history.
The multitude of decisions I have made in my life because I did not believe in myself, lacked confidence and self-worth, or didn’t feel I was worthy is staggering. I did not realize until this moment that every decision I made that was based on fear was a betrayal of myself.
Will my healing path guide me to a place where I can forgive myself for such tragic transgressions? I hope so, but I am unconvinced at this moment.
I am still working on the question I posed to myself in this post about shame, and now I need to inquire more about betrayal with this question:
What will it take to let go of the intense feelings of betrayal from my past?
I am not sure when I will have the strength to answer this question, but I know, someday, I will be ready. I have to be if I want to truly heal.
If I am lucky, I have about 20 or so years left on this earth. I would very much like to leave it from a place of healing and forgiveness.
I owe that to myself, and all the selves that came before and will come after, this iteration. Because I don’t want to be the one who betrays me anymore.
Thanks for being on the journey.
Victoria