No, No, and More No!

On learning, nearly sixty years in, that no is a complete sentence

My latest piece is inspired by this article. Can you find the Nos?

I was born with a lazy eye that does not see well enough to be of any use, and another eye that is extremely nearsighted. So, for the first six years of my life, I did not see the world as others saw it. Everything was blurry, all the time. One of my strongest memories of those times was when I wanted to watch television. Our living room was arranged so that the seating left you 6-8 feet away from the TV. Everyone else seemed to see the TV just fine, but the only way I could see it was to sit on the floor less than a foot away. Even though it was still slightly blurry, I was thrilled to see what I could. But, each and every time I sat in my TV watching spot, the Witch (the woman who raised me) would yell at me, “You’re going to ruin your eyes sitting that close.” I’m not sure how she didn’t know they were already ruined.

Until they weren’t.

Fall 1973

Today is the day. I am so excited and can’t wait to get ready, get in the car, and start my journey. I don’t think I can get there soon enough, I thought, excitedly. A couple of weeks earlier, as the doctor was examining my eyes, he stated, “I think she is ready for some glasses.” The Witch reluctantly agreed (it would mean spending money on my well-being), and I was asked to pick out frames. And today, I picked up those glasses.

We checked in at the front desk, and we were asked to take a seat in the waiting room. I did not want to wait, but almost as soon as I sat down, a woman came and led us back to the room with all the glasses. She told me to sit on one side of the table, and she sat on the other side. There was a mirror on my side, and I was excited to finally look in it and see myself clearly. The woman could tell how excited I was and smiled broadly as she took my new glasses out of their case. They looked new and sparkly, but she cleaned them with a brightly-colored cloth nonetheless. As soon as she guided the glasses over my ears and I focused my eyes, I was so taken aback by what I saw that I nearly jumped out of my seat.

My world was no longer blurry. I could see things clearly! I could see every expression on the woman’s face in front of me. I could see her smile, her teeth, her eyeshadow, everything! I looked over at the Witch, and although she wasn’t smiling, she wasn’t frowning either.

This is the best day ever, I thought to myself. In those first moments when the world was so clear to me, I began to realize how much I had been missing. I didn’t linger in that loss long, and I knew, from this moment on, I would always see the world clearly.

As we left the office and made our way to the car, I couldn’t stop looking at everything around me. So much so, I nearly tripped over myself. I spent the car ride home enamored by all the sights that just an hour ago were so blurry I didn’t even bother to look.

I didn’t think I would encounter another miraculous discovery day like that one again in my life.

But I was wrong.

Today, I saw the world more clearly, again. But this time, it didn’t have anything to do with my eyes. This time, my clarity came from within and will significantly change the trajectory of my life. My hard-fought, nearly 60 years in the making, revelation:

I can say no to anyone, to any request, at any time, no questions asked. And, I do not have to apologize for saying it.

Prior to this miraculous realization, I understood that the word no was an appropriate response to questions and requests for others to use, but never for myself.

Until now.

I have finally given myself permission to join the no club, and am allowed to say it whenever I want.

And I feel like a kid on Christmas morning!

No.
No.
No.
And more no.

I just love saying no!

So, what happened to cause this dramatic shift?

Although the outcome was very dramatic, the cause was quiet and unassuming.

Shortly after my recent article about shame, Breaking the Death Grip of Shame, a book about shame, The Unshaming Way, by David Bedrick, was suggested as a great resource for overcoming shame. Since I made a promise in that article to keep working on my shame issues, I didn’t think twice about ordering the book. It was delivered shortly after, and I dug in as soon as I could, eager to get some guidance on erradicating my life-long shame.

I have read and worked the exercise in so many self-help books in my lifetime that I have lost count. Some helped a little, some helped a lot, and some were no help at all. So, going into this book, I had no expectations whatsoever.

As soon as I got halfway through chapter one and had tears in my eyes, I knew this book was going to help me in some way. Seeing so much of myself in the author’s words soothed my shame and anxiety and made me feel seen more than I have been seen by a book. But I stayed steadfast in my “no expectations” stance as I read further.

Shame happens when something is said or done to us that questions our place in the world, and nobody is there to defend us. Innocuous childhood learning moments were treated as punishable offenses by the Witch. As she screamed at me, called me names, and told me I was worthless, no one was there to refute her. I tried and tried to defend myself, but that only made her angrier. So, I internalized that there was something wrong with me.

Incidents like these may have faded from my memory if they were few and far between. But, they were not. They were woven into the fabric of my childhood and used as weapons against me.

My shame was pervasive, and it became a lens rather than a feeling. I internalized the Witch’s words and actions as “something is wrong with me,” and this became the main force shaping how I see the world.

I learned that shame can only survive in the darkness, and it can be dissolved when it is witnessed without judgment. The witness can be myself, a therapist, or another safe relationship.

I processed what I read for days and didn’t work on anything specific to try to unashame myself. I thought deeply about my shame, its origins, and how it manifests in my life today. In a way, I guess I was witnessing it as well.

One of the main components of shame is our inner critic. This “person” maintains the shame status quo until we decide to tell it to shut the fuck up (STFU). I have told my inner critic (Bleak Victoria) to STFU numerous times over the years, but she just tells me to STFU, and guess who is always the one to abide? So, I was not very confident that challenging her would make any dent in my huge pile of shame.

And, my inner critic is mean as hell. The contempt she has for me is palatable, and when she is at her worst, she makes me feel so ashamed of myself that I don’t think I deserve anything good in life. I find it hard to believe that I can be so mean and uncaring to myself. I would never say those things to another human being, but to myself, well, I don’t even hesitate.

I had finished chapter five on the self-critic, which made me think more deeply about it, but I still did not feel like I was “working” the book.

But then, a few days later, there was a client. She is a lovely woman, but after working with her for a few weeks, I realized I wasn’t bringing my best energy or my best work to the project. Something wasn’t aligned, and I could feel it.

I read her latest email and thought to myself, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and I felt the weight of that sentence in every cell of my body.

And then, it hit me. Like a freight train I never saw or heard coming.

I don’t have to do things I don’t want to do.

And then my shoulders fell, my body felt lighter, and I began to cry. Not ugly crying, but gentle tears of relief. I finally realized I had the power to say no to things, people, events, and jobs I did not want in my life. My body and soul had been trying to tell me for years, but I was not ready to listen. I was scared, I thought, but I was wrong.

It wasn’t fear that obscured this truth from me. It was the brainwashing of my childhood:

Being told I was worthless when I made a mistake
Enduring her wrath when she thought I was not putting her needs before my own
Constantly being reminded that her life was so much better before me
Making sure I “knew my place” in life

It was like I was being controlled by the Witch for all these years without the slightest idea it was happening. And that realization does scare me. How in the world could I have been so blind for so long?

I was living my life for others because I was raised to believe that my wants, needs, and desires were always secondary to everyone else’s. And then, one day, I didn’t believe that anymore.

It was a long time coming, but better late than never.

So now, I wake up every day and ask myself what I really want. Yes, I still have to work, but I do not have to take on projects that don’t resonate with me. I don’t have to work with clients who do not respect my talent and expertise. And I never, ever, ever have to do something I don’t want to again.

But then, there is reality. Change is never easy, and typically messy. There will be times I feel the pull to put others first.

But I am committed to staying the course.

I am committed to no.

Victoria