Cancer Thoughts: Phase One

I may have cancer, or I may not. What to think when you don't know.

I’ve heard from others that “cancer changes you,” but I did not expect the changes would start as soon as I learned it's possible I could have cancer.

“We found a nodule on your right lung. It could be cancer.”
—Lovely and caring ER doctor delivering the news

As soon as I got home from the ER, CT scan results in hand, I googled “apical spiculated nodule with cavitation” and held my breath as I waited for the answer. In the seconds it took for Google to return an answer, butterflies fluttered around in my stomach as numerous thoughts poured into my mind:

I strive to be a positive person, so I am telling myself, very convincingly, that it could be a completely innocent nodule.

Geez, I’m going to die before I make it to sixty!

I don’t want to leave Rich and Dawson.

I just got a puppy and now this?

Fuck, this is terrfying.

Google answered my query and informed me that nodules of this type are found to be malignant 70 percent of the time.

Not good odds. And, I have never been a lucky person.

But I do have a 30 percent chance, I thought. Yet my gut was leading me to the hard truth: I should start preparing for the more likely result, since I have much to support a 70 percent chance of a malignant outcome:

• I smoked a pack a day for 30 years

• I am still vaping nicotine (replacement when I quit cigarettes in 2009)

• My mom had lung cancer twice

I told myself that I rolled the dice and didn’t win. I get it. I am okay with it.

My thoughts were plentiful and mainly on the sadder end of the spectrum when I sat down the following morning to do my daily writing.

The thought process of possibly dying…

I have had so many thoughts over the years, in my darkest times, that it would be just easier if my life ended. I was pretty sure that every time I had the thought of death being better, I didn’t really believe that thought to be true emotionally. Well, now, today, I am crying as I think about the possibility of dying. After the pain of that thought dissipates from my body, the next thought, and it’s a strong one, is “I am not done yet.” Then my inner cheerleader takes over and says, “ I will fight.” But, then, the voice of reason pops in and reminds me that I may not win that fight. And, more than likely, my life will be shorter than I had hoped for because of my cancer.

Damn, that’s a sobering realization.

And, the loss of my anxiety stick…

You’ve been there for me since I was twelve. You never judge; you calm me, help me think, give me motivation, and bring me joy like nothing else in life ever has.

The irony is that you are the reason I am in this situation. If only I could have found a suitable and healthy replacement for you.

Now I have to figure out how to manage without you, and fight this cancer we gave ourselves.

I started smoking when I was twelve years old, and by the time I was sixteen, I was up to a pack a day. I loved smoking, as crazy as that sounds. It calmed me, gave me strength, and was always there for me. I knew cigarettes were not good for my body, but I couldn’t quit, no matter how many times I tried (at least 10). When vaping became a thing around 2009, I eagerly quit cigarettes and started vaping. I knew vaping was better than cigarettes, but still not very good for the lungs, so I was very careful to vape only quality juice without harsh chemicals or additives. I was trying to have my cake and eat it too.

And just like cigarettes, I just could not quit vaping. I relied on it too much, and when I did try to quit, I never succeeded.

As soon as I heard about my lung nodule, I quit. And never looked back. Funny how that works.

It’s been challenging at times to cope without my anxiety stick, and then at other times, not so much. However, I often find myself needing to “fill myself up” multiple times throughout the day. My anxiety stick always helped with that. Now, I find myself eating a bit more as a substitute for my stick, which is not what I want to do. I know that I will need to deal with these emotional urges, and plan to after this cancer chapter is completed.

The next day’s writing was dominated by thoughts of sadness…

When something “bad” happens in my life, I find that when I wake up the morning after it occurs, I have to remind myself that something “bad” has happened. I don’t know if I make it a point to remember or if it just pops into my head, but it’s what I do.

And this morning, remembering that I may have lung cancer and that I cannot vape anymore, made me very sad.

Tears have been flowing down my cheeks randomly since yesterday morning when I sat at my computer for the first time without my vape. Losing my “friend” is so very sad for me. Judging myself for needing the vaping makes me feel even worse, but somehow, I just need to pile it on.

I must punish myself for what I have done to myself. Bad, Victoria, look what you have done! Shame, shame, shame!!!

There it is, shame. Oh, it's been such a part of who I am since I was little.

More irony, it’s probably the shame that caused the addiction, and now I am shaming myself for having the addiction.

You can’t make this shit up!!

Writing makes me want to vape so badly. The urge is strong.

That’s all I wrote that day.

The reason I went to the emergency room in the first place was that my blood pressure was crazily high. Up to that point, I never experienced high blood pressure, nor felt the crazy symptoms I was feeling:

• I could feel my blood pressure moving through my body, especially my chest.

• My head throbbed

• I felt a strange warmth over my chest and throat

• When my BP was over 150, I would have moments of a “ heart in my throat” sensation.

• My lips were tingly when my BP was at 160 or over

• It felt as if my body was stuck in fight ot flight mode

It was crazy! I left the ER with a possible cancer diagnosis but no relief for my blood pressure. I made an appointment with my primary for the following Tuesday. I was not sure I could endure the symptoms until then, but I set out to try..

I did not write again until a few days later…

On Friday, I could not take the symptoms of high blood pressure anymore and called my doctor. They said they could not provide me with any medical advice since I had not been there in nearly two years, but suggested I visit urgent care.

Everyone at the urgent care was terrific, and I left with a prescription for high blood pressure medicine. I took my first pill later, and by the evening, I felt a bit better.

Interestingly, I feel weird right now. I am going to check my BP.

Stand by…

Okay, it is up to 140. It was under 120 earlier. I think I need to stop drinking caffeine, at least for a while, to test the theory. Considering how I feel right now, I am going to stop caffeine for the foreseeable future.

The next day, I did not feel much better. The appointment with my primary care physician is only a few days away, and I've told myself I can make it.

Then, I may have some answers.